I find myself months deep into what I see as “the new me” multiple times a year. I am going to the gym. I am reaching out and networking and furthering my career. I am working on interesting projects, I am putting my heart out into the world in my personal life, at school, at work, at the gym, by doing as much as I can. Going on the dates. Kicking my own ass on chest day. Sitting down and Finishing a Project. It works long enough to convince me it is sustainable to try to give 100% of my soul to every aspect of my life I wish to improve all at once.

I consider myself at my “happiest” during these intense periods of devout work and dedication to betterment. Busy hands are those of God. I am super thankful for what these bursts of work provide my life. I grow my most during these times, at least materially. But I miss out on what may be some very important aspects of being alive. At my truly happiest and most alive, I was doing things for their own sake, for enjoyment, for community, for connection. I have found in recent years that this is not, at least to the peers I am currently surrounded by, the natural or standard way of being.

It appears to me that my hard-working mania gains me every thing I suppose it would, yet I lose the ability to appreciate that world in front of me. I lose presence. Presence is often touted in our culture as something we can simply practice and achieve like any other skill. I have read many Buddhist works, I have meditated and found calm and peace through some of the worst hardships of my life from the philosophy most well-known for preaching a life of presence. But every time I come back to the Earth I actually live in, a world that will not hand me the life I want, I struggle to gain the skills and experiences I know I need while maintaining a relationship with the only real thing we have; the current moment.

I’d like to give my opinion on “presence” as a concept. I find that many attune this to seeing the world around you, appreciating the rain and nature and existence itself. This is a fine and positive framework, although I think that in our current times it is really missing the most salient point. Presence is about being there for others and actually seeing those that are there for you. In a society of strivers it’s easy to neglect legitimate and fruitful emotional bonds, and doubly easy to fail to make new ones. This is what I think presence can offer real people trying to be happier in their everyday lives. Being fully present with one another, with strangers and friends, being open to building new relationships and sustaining the ones that you love. You can appreciate the distant mountains in the moment, but give your love and appreciation to the soul-ties that give life a purpose in the first place. The greatest reward in life is connection to others. Be it through a romantic intimacy, close bonds with friends, building a family, or just engaging with the souls of those around you in an attached and vulnerable way. In the Christian faith; "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." -Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, KJV. The Buddha is accredited with the quote: "Having good friends is not half of the Holy Life, it is the whole of the Holy Life."

I am happy to have gained 10lbs of muscle. I am happy that I can write 10x cleaner and more efficient code for this project versus the last. I am happy that I pursued my dream years ago and got signed to a professional org making real money for playing a videogame. I am happy that I have met new and interesting people and built professional connections. But I grieve of worry-free moments with loved ones. Of being able to be fully there for someone. To look someone I care about in the eyes and tell them through my gaze alone that I am here. That I see that they are here. That we are together in this moment.

As my grief manifests, I pull away from the routine that has kept me in check towards my material goals. I stop worrying so much about getting better. I accept that life has tradeoffs, and if I want to feel the souls of others I have to let go of certain behaviors. The issue lies in the cause behind my mentality. The striver mentality I am subject to, as well as my addiction to success, serve to better my own sense of self worth. As I look to experience those things I’ve missed out on, a doubt is cast over me. Doubt about why anyone should see and love me for what I am when I see that I could be so much more. I expect that this “drive to make yourself whole enough for others” attitude is a key force in those that are pursuing top percentile excellence. I understand why actors date actors.

In order to escape the cycle, presence and ambition must not be understood as opposing forces in our life. Presence is what allows ambition to be sustainable. Ambition breathes depth into our lived experience building a scaffold for present experience of the moment with others. No matter what “achievements” may accompany it, without presence, ambition has no leg to stand on. Life will fly by and there will be no meaningful and real reward, that is, the reward of connection. Striving gives depth to the presence, and presence gives substrate for the striving to bear the fruit of actively engaging in the dance with all the other beautiful struggling and connected people in your life.